On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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