have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
