It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We're too hungover to prance.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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