dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
