My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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