The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
