I just threw up on my dentist
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
