Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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