he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
