sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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