I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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