Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
