did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Life is so much better after having sex.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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