i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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