He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
