the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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