Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
