you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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