There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
