mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
