My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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