Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Congratulations! We have a period
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