I'm lost and stupid without you.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You brought string cheese to the strip club
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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