somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
