someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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