the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
