well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
