I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
