i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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