VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
