I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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