I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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