Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
