I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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