tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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