i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
