I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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