i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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