I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
