She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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