oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
