There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
