I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
