I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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