guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
birth control should be required to get into college
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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