why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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