gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
