I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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