I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
