WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
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