Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
