And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
