I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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